This is my DH’s response to the fellow Military men who lost their lives in Chatanooga, Tennessee.  He said, “If our own government can’t see fit to lower our countries flags to half mast then I will take it upon myself to do that for my fellow brothers.  I will leave my flag at half mast for a week….7 days so I can pay my respects to the ones lost.”


Today is the day….

Today is THE DAY.  Today is the day my daughter goes in for brain surgery. My mini me is the most important thing in my life. She’s the reason I breathe. She’s my miracle.

You see, she’s adopted. We got to start being her mommy & daddy before she was even born. People say that there is nothing more important than the bond between a parent & the child they GIVE BIRTH TO.  The same goes for my daughter. I never knew what true, pure love was until I got to hold her for the 1st time @ 3 days old. We have rarely spent the occasional night apart. It’s always been me & her against the world. Her dad was military & was generally always gone except for the occasional birthday or Christmas that he was lucky enough to be home for.  There wasn’t anything she & I couldn’t do together. We felt like we could conquer anything thrown at us. Me & her against the big, bad world. Today is a challenge on that. I’m terrified she will have problems. I’m scared she may not make it through. I’m scared she will suffer from damage or other issues. This is her brain we’re talking about. She is extremely intelligent & kind & sweet & beautiful. I don’t want to lose any of what makes her, her. She’s unique. The only daughter I will ever have or want. She’s my saving grace. Without her the world would cease to exist. So, if anyone reads my blog or just happens upon this please say a word of prayer to the deity you worship. We need all of the positive thoughts and prayers we can get on this day.

My pretty, broken princess

My beautiful daughter who is 11 & so full of life & sunshine had a neurologist appt today. She was diagnosed with a brain cyst 18 months ago. Every time we do our check ups she’s the same. Today, not so much. Her brain cyst has grown. It is causing spinal fluid to collect in her brain.  So, the Doctor said emergency surgery. She will be admitted into the hospital @ 9 am tomorrow & have testing done. From there we will have to have her surgery either Wednesday or Thursday. At this point I am having a hard time finding a way to be “happy” & pretend like it will all be alright. My baby is sick. And I can’t make it better.

How did this happen…..

My DH is in a PTSD inpatient therapy center for 8 weeks.  He’s at the halfway mark.  He got to come home from the center for Independence day.  We had a decent visit.  I took him back on the Sunday after the 4th.  He calls several times a day and texts more than that.  It’s always the same song and dance.  “I hate it here.  I want to come home.  I miss home.”  Well, today I didn’t hear from him ALL day.  No texting, no facebooking, no phone calls.  I call him several times and nothing.  FINALLY, after trying to contact him 7 hours I get a phone call.  It’s him.  He says, “Don’t be mad.”  Now I don’t know how many wives hear this and think okay whatever.  With me it has become a, Oh GOD what has he done now?  Then he follows with, I accidentally overdosed today.  I reply with, “you what?!?!”  Then he starts telling me the story.  He had a bad headache.  He took several Tylenol 3 because he “assumed” they were like regular Tylenol.  He went to his class he has to go to.  His head is spinning and his speech is slurred.  They make him stay in the class to keep an eye on him.  Then he ends up in the Emergency Room.  With an IV in his arm.  And NOBODY called me.  I mean nobody as in his center people, him, the doctor, his therapist, his nurse, or HIM.  Now ALL of his medicine is under lock and key and he has to ask for it if he wants it.  I don’t understand how a center who is suppose to help with PTSD isn’t monitoring his medications more.  I don’t understand why I wasn’t called.  I apparently don’t understand much these days.

Independence Day

My DH got to come home for the weekend from the hospital.  It was so he could be with us for Independence day.  It may have been better for him to have stayed at the hospital.  The reason I say that is that fireworks really bother him.  He was in his shop this afternoon and someone was shooting fireworks early and he didn’t expect it.  I heard the firecrackers going off so I ran out to make sure he was okay.  He kind of had a wild look in his eyes and said that’s just fireworks right?  I reassured him that was what was going on.  I told him how our big dog ran in the house and hid.  He made the statement that he almost followed our dog.  Normally, I hate that he has to wear hearing aids because he can’t hear, even with them in he has a hard time hearing.  Today is one of those days we are grateful that he cannot hear without them.  He said that he turned them way down and turned the television way up just to block the sound out of the popping fireworks.  This is yet another side effect of his PTSD.  Not dealing with fireworks well.

This morning he was sitting on the couch crying and saying what’s wrong with my brain.  This is hard for me as a spouse to sit and hear him say this and not sure what to do with him or how to take care of it.  Sometimes, life hands us challenges.  We have to accept those challenges and do our best.

I hope that all had a safe and fun Independence day.  Remember what we are truly celebrating today.

PTSD….and my husband

My husband is in an inpatient PTSD program.  He has been gone for two weeks so far.  He is so depressed right now.  He wants to come home and I have to be strong and for him and make him understand that this is in his best interest.  He told me he is missing his father today.  He doesn’t want to leave his room.  I told him he needs to get out.  Go to the commissary and maybe go outside.  When I told him to go outside he got extremely upset.  He said, “No, no I can’t go outside.  I can’t do that.”  I said, “Why?”  He replied, “Because it isn’t safe out there.  I’m safe inside.  I can’t go outside.”  This is yet another view of the cold, harsh reality that is PTSD.  Yesterday, he got lost going from the pharmacy back to his room.  This is another view of it.  He forgets and gets lost and this is upsetting to him.  Watching an independent soldier downgrade to a needy male.  A man who has to have a wheelchair to get around if he’s going very far and is afraid to go outside.  I live with this.  More importantly, HE lives with this, or should I say, he survives like this.

PTSD therapy

I got to go see my husband on Sunday for Father’s Day. I was afraid it was going to be like going to visit someone in prison because I had never dealt with inpatient therapy. I was pleasantly surprised when I got there and we got to take him out and do things in the town together. unfortunately, with his bad health we couldn’t do a whole lot because he can’t walk very well. the VA has yet to get him a kind of help other than a quad cane. I am thankful that he is getting the help he needs for his PTSD, but we miss him around here. it feels like when he was deployed the four times he was deployed. except, I don’t have to worry about him getting shot at, blown up, or KIA.  Our daughter is taking it better than I thought she would. for that I am grateful. I hope that he gets the help he needs because he truly needs it.